Lists – spawn of satan

You know when there’s still three months until the end of the year and you make a list of everything you intend to complete in that time; and it looks so easy because there’s still three months left……….and then suddenly it’s December and you’ve only done four of the twenty-eight things on the list, and you think ‘fuck, what happened? Where did that time go? Surely it’s still October?’ And it’s not and you realise you’ve got to do one and a half things every day until New Year which means you actually need each day to contain at least 56 hours and that it’s simply NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. And then you berate yourself for not achieving your goals. And you feel like a total failure and the most useless buffoon in the world because, yet again, you’ve failed spectacularly to even come close to finishing the list.
Stop making buggery lists and giving yourselves a ridiculously small amount of time to complete them. Nine hundred things in three and a half hours. Note to self, ‘rewrite Geneva Convention by 5 o’clock’. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
I mean ,sure, write lists, but only so you can remember what you need to do; I know, personally, I could barely remember my name unless I wrote it down once a month. But don’t make a deadline date to finish it. It just makes you feel worthless and, let’s face it, the only person judging you is YOU.
And please come to this conclusion sooner than the twenty years it’s taken me to come to it.
In my defence ( oh, here come the excuses ), I have had a few health problems. Very painful abscesses over very painful verrucas. Operation to remove said abscesses and verrucas by nuking them ( I believe the medical term is ‘laser ablation’ but I like ‘nuking’ better ), leaving six gigantic holes in my feet which are bleeding like its going out of fashion and almost unbearable to walk on. Oh, and a bout of manful. Thank God for Tramadol. It takes away enough of the pain to make it almost bearable; the only side effect being that it makes you forget minor things like where you live and who the Prime Minister is.
All this leading, as you will have already deduced, to me saying that, on the artistic front, I’ve been about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike. As everyone in the profession seems to delight in saying ‘this is the quiet time of the year’. All the pantos have been cast ( instead of being bundled up and dropped in the ocean – just a personal opinion ) and no one is looking for new material. On the plus side, though, I’ve finished about two-thirds of the new play, am currently putting the final touches to the short film we’ll be making in early Feb and am working with a new writer called Paul Rayfield who has written a terrific musical called ‘Playback’ ( a sort of satirical Jeremy Kyle show, but with a tad of humanity thrown in ). The songs are great and, as he has never written a script before, I am working with him as his script advisor.
I now also have a DVD completed of ‘The Moon is Halfway to Heaven’, with graphics and credits and professional shenanigans like that. Obviously, I had nothing to do with it, meaning that it actually looks pretty good. It’s just for promotional purposes as we need to try and raise some interest in either a small tour or a slightly larger London venue. The comments about the play, both from members of the public and industry professionals, were SO nice that I am determined this will not be its only airing on stage.
Anyway, a ‘news dearth’ you might say. Enough now till the New Year when I shall be writing a new blog on a regular basis ( more regular than the ‘once every eight weeks when I find my list’ ), so watch this space as there may be some exciting things happening. No, really, exciting.
Have a wonderful and peaceful Christmas and, most importantly, in these times of austerity, may Santa bring you hundreds of presents.
See you in the January for resolutions and lists. Sorry, not lists. They’re the devil’s work. Bad lists.
Love and peace,

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